The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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