Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
