Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
