Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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