i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
