I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
