My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
