I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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