Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
