Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
