I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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