he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
