This is not my ceiling
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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