That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
