My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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