so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
