what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it penis luge time yet?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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