Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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