trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
