She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's like iHOP with fire
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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