I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
