my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This baby is an asshole
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
