made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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