no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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