Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
