I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
