one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
