I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
