I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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