Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just took my morning after pill in the library
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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