We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
