I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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