my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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