I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
