I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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