walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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