Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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