Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
