i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
