I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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