i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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