if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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