We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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