he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
