Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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