Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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