why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
