She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
