I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
barbara walters just said penis...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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