I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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