Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
